I'm 42.
I'm in the worst health of my life.
I'm pregnant.
How's THAT for waking you up this morning?
A year ago I had made peace with myself and God. A year ago I thought I understood that my days of having babies was over and I was entering a new phase of my life. It was quite a struggle to accept this, but I did with God's help. So out went all the baby clothes, all the memories were boxed away for safe keeping, and I was moving on.
Well, you know what they say, if you want to make God laugh...tell him your plans!
Now for a little history lesson:
I have been pregnant nine times. Four beautiful children have been born on this earth, and four precious souls have been born into the arms of the Lord. Losing those babies killed a bit of me on the inside. With each loss *I* became more lost. Losing my faith, losing trust in my body, losing my mind and inner peace. I won't bore you with the details of each pregnancy but just know that they ended in utter devastation for me and Doug. But through it all we always had each other, wonderful friends who supported us, and most importantly ~ God was waiting in the wings. He had lessons to teach me with each child. Hard and painful lessons. I hated Him, I yelled at Him, I questioned His love for me, and most of the time I wondered why He even put me on this earth. But like a Good Father He silently loved me, helped me work it all out, and waited for my return to Him.
In February I got the shock of my life. I had a positive pregnancy test and my world literally turned upside down. Again, I don't want to go into details, but I have lived every.single.day. since then in fear and panic. Every day since then I have waited for the bleeding to come. Every weekly doctor's appointment I waited for him to tell me my baby was dead. I became a heaping mess of tears, panic, and anxiety. I was so consumed that I couldn't even make daily decisions like what to cook for dinner or answer simple questions from the children.
It's been horrific....and we did it all alone because we wanted to spare everyone else grief if/when this pregnancy ended like all the rest. I just couldn't face telling everyone the news that we were expecting and then weeks later telling them that we were not.
It's too much to bear, please understand.
But now I'm 17 weeks (almost half way) and through those dark clouds of fear I'm beginning to see rays of hope. I can feel this little one moving...reassuring me that he is ok for now. Every blood test is coming back normal, every ultrasound (and trust me, there have been tons!) is showing us a strong, healthy baby so far. And I've got to tell you...he is the most beautiful child I have ever beheld even at this tiny stage!
I want so much to fall in love with him completely. I'm so tired of feeling numb and having my defenses up all the time. I'm exhausted of having a fake smile on my face and pretending all is well and fine when inside all I want to do is scream.
This is where you come in.
Doug and I need your prayers and support because all of this is so much bigger than us. I am so weak right now, mentally and physically. Fear and anxiety takes more out of a person than I ever knew. Even Doug, who is ever optimistic and rational, is tired. He not only worries about the baby, he worries about me too. We've both learned to do a lot more praying and trusting, but we realize that we need support from our friends and family.
Please pray for us!
That's been our life for the last four months.
I'm still scared every day.
I still pray, bargain, and plead
for the life of my child every day.
I still cry every day.
But I need these walls to come down and I need to be happy again. I owe it to my husband, my family, and this precious child that we've been given.
Ok, so they were more for him than for me!
Ok, so they were more for him than for me!
Only mine are thigh high. 
