Thursday, May 19, 2011

Breaking news...

I'm 42.
I'm in the worst health of my life.
I'm pregnant.

How's THAT for waking you up this morning?

A year ago I had made peace with myself and God. A year ago I thought I understood that my days of having babies was over and I was entering a new phase of my life. It was quite a struggle to accept this, but I did with God's help. So out went all the baby clothes, all the memories were boxed away for safe keeping, and I was moving on.

Well, you know what they say, if you want to make God laugh...tell him your plans!

Now for a little history lesson:

I have been pregnant nine times. Four beautiful children have been born on this earth, and four precious souls have been born into the arms of the Lord. Losing those babies killed a bit of me on the inside. With each loss *I* became more lost. Losing my faith, losing trust in my body, losing my mind and inner peace. I won't bore you with the details of each pregnancy but just know that they ended in utter devastation for me and Doug. But through it all we always had each other, wonderful friends who supported us, and most importantly ~ God was waiting in the wings. He had lessons to teach me with each child. Hard and painful lessons. I hated Him, I yelled at Him, I questioned His love for me, and most of the time I wondered why He even put me on this earth. But like a Good Father He silently loved me, helped me work it all out, and waited for my return to Him.

In February I got the shock of my life. I had a positive pregnancy test and my world literally turned upside down. Again, I don't want to go into details, but I have lived since then in fear and panic. Every day since then I have waited for the bleeding to come. Every weekly doctor's appointment I waited for him to tell me my baby was dead. I became a heaping mess of tears, panic, and anxiety. I was so consumed that I couldn't even make daily decisions like what to cook for dinner or answer simple questions from the children.

It's been horrific....and we did it all alone because we wanted to spare everyone else grief if/when this pregnancy ended like all the rest. I just couldn't face telling everyone the news that we were expecting and then weeks later telling them that we were not.

It's too much to bear, please understand.

But now I'm 17 weeks (almost half way) and through those dark clouds of fear I'm beginning to see rays of hope. I can feel this little one moving...reassuring me that he is ok for now. Every blood test is coming back normal, every ultrasound (and trust me, there have been tons!) is showing us a strong, healthy baby so far. And I've got to tell you...he is the most beautiful child I have ever beheld even at this tiny stage!
I want so much to fall in love with him completely. I'm so tired of feeling numb and having my defenses up all the time. I'm exhausted of having a fake smile on my face and pretending all is well and fine when inside all I want to do is scream.

This is where you come in.

Doug and I need your prayers and support because all of this is so much bigger than us. I am so weak right now, mentally and physically. Fear and anxiety takes more out of a person than I ever knew. Even Doug, who is ever optimistic and rational, is tired. He not only worries about the baby, he worries about me too. We've both learned to do a lot more praying and trusting, but we realize that we need support from our friends and family.

Please pray for us!

That's been our life for the last four months.

I'm still scared every day.
I still pray, bargain, and plead
for the life of my child every day.
I still cry every day.

But I need these walls to come down and I need to be happy again.
I owe it to my husband, my family, and this precious child that we've been given.


GopherMommy said...

I'm praying and won't stop.

P.S. Congrats.

Jessica Evans said...

Congratulations! You and Doug will absolutely have my prayers. Love you!


Sal B. said...

Looking forward to the newest Creamer to play with the newest Baldovinos! :)

Congrats Aunt Jody!

Linda said...

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. You are in our prayers. (and I am so freakin' happy for you!!)

K said...

Oh Joann, you know you have all my love and prayers and I wish I could come on down and give you a big hug and remove some of your burden. I can only imagine what the last few months have been like for you.

Jayne said...

I only discovered your blog a couple of days ago, this post touched me and I wanted to offer my support. When I was pregnant with my daughter I too was terrified, as my previous pregnancy had ended badly. I can only tell you that she was all the more precious when she arrived.

I know it's hard but try to think positive, you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Jayne x

Margaret in Minnesota said...

Been there done that prayed my way through it! I miscarried four times after my fifth child--who'd have thought? Why, God, why?--and when we became pregnant again I had every reason to fear and doubt.

But oh how I LONGED to see this child on this side of eternity!

Well, good news. Blessed news! If you go to my blog and click on the "miscarriage" and "new baby" labels, you will see that New Baby is going to be two next week!

God is so good.

I will pray for you every time I think of it, because it is so hard to let go and let Him. Heck, I started crying on the way to the hospital, fearing he'd be stillborn! It's irrational, really, but it's our mother's heart and there it is.

Blessings! And as my dear (still living) 88-year-old mother always says, "Just keep looking up and trust 'til you bust!"


Margaret in Minnesota said...

PS. Your friend Karen sent me a link to this post so please thank her for "introducing" us!

Leslie said...

Congratulations and many, many prayers for all of you!

Kalona said...

JoAnn, I'm sitting here with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Yes, yes, yes, I will pray for you, just as you and your sweet family have prayed for me. I'm glad you decided to share your news so that we can do this for you.

JoAnnC. said...

Thank you, thank you all so much for your kind words. I am overwhelmed and humbled.....and crying like a big, fat baby!

H F J said...

Praying for you and the family... and I am beyond honored to pray for you. Hugs and Congratulations!

Sara B said...

Oh JoAnn, I'll be praying like crazy for you, Doug, and all your little ones! Would it be OK I posted something in FF on DCF to get more people praying on it?

Anonymous said...

Yes, Yes I will also be praying. I too know how you feel from personal experience. I cried tears of joy and sorrow reading your post. If you were to keep a little diary through this pregnancy think of what a precious thing to hand to that little one as a personal story of God's faithfulness and miracles and your love for them. Or it might help to write down and get your thoughts and worries out too, like you are writing to God. Just a thought. Sarah.

Therese said...

JoAnn, I am only just reading this post. So sorry I missed it. I will be praying everyday for you and your precious baby.

LaVerne Cook said...

JoAnn , take everyday as it comes because we can not change what GOD has planned for us.. I know you are a very strong person--wife and mother. Will keep you in my heart and thoughts. Enjoy reading your Chronical.. LaVerne